


Silent Chambers of the Soul  Pt. 3

by Kellygirl



Category: Firefly
Genre: Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-03
Updated: 2003-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-29 08:11:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14468547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kellygirl/pseuds/Kellygirl
Summary: Simon tries to reclaim his life aboard Serenity.





	Silent Chambers of the Soul  Pt. 3

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Firefly’s Glow](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Firefly%27s_Glow), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Firefly's Glow collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fireflysglow/profile).

 

Silent Chambers of the Soul Pt. 3

## Silent Chambers of the Soul Pt. 3

### by Kellygirl

Silent Chambers of the Soul Pt. 3  
Notes: Thanks to Cabiria for the excellent beta. Joss owns all, no money being made. Feedback greatly appreciated. 

Mal walks into the kitchen the next morning after his rocky night with Simon. After he'd told him it was Badger that had taken him and River from the Hillfolk, Simon had turned on his stomach and fallen asleep, leaving Mal to toss and turn and face the fact that Badger had played him. They had been on Persephone twice since the siblings had disappeared and he had talked to the annoying man both times. 

He had claimed to know nothing, even claimed that he'd asked around after Mal had done a job for him at half price. Mal remembers Badger smirking at him at both meetings, but hell; he was always looking at him like that so it hadn't been anything Mal would label as out of character for Badger. 

Mal makes coffee, adding a little extra to hopefully help him through the rest of the day. Is he losing his edge, the part of him that had gotten him through the war, physically if not mentally intact? It's this same part that helps him make quick decisions and keeps him and his crew alive. Before he can get continue questioning himself, Zoe walks in. She nods to him and pours a cup of coffee. She sits across from him and looks at the bruises on his face. 

"Looks like you and Simon had quite the discussion last night. Jayne left a note saying you wanted me and him to look after Simon this morning." She frowns when his eyes dart away from her. "Anything you want to discuss, sir?" She raises an eyebrow when the man she has been through so much with seems to be at a loss for words. She waits, sipping at the bitter coffee. 

Mal debates whether he should tell her about what he did with Simon last night. He wishes the feelings and sounds and smells would take on a dream-like quality, but they haven't. He sighs. 

"We talked last night after our trip to the infirmary. He said some stuff that made me doubt the wisdom of leaving him alone. Then he confirmed my suspicions by stating that he wanted me to let him kill himself if we found out River was dead or back in Alliance hands. I told him no, then he...startedkissingmeandstuffandIcouldn'tstophim." 

At his last hurried words, Zoe stares at him and just drinks her coffee. She knows him and knows Mal will finish what he wants to say. He gets up and searches for something to eat. 

He doesn't look at her. "I didn't want him to stop, Zoe, and what does that say about me; that I could take advantage of him like that? It took Saffron more time that it did him and I still had more strength to stop her. Or I would have, if not for that whole drugging thing." 

He turns to look at her, while he fixes some kind of mush with protein bars, milk and sugar. She doesn't say anything at first, and Mal knows that whatever she will say will most likely help him wrap his mind around the events of last night. He wants the feel of Simon's hands and mouth on his to go away. 

She clears her throat. "Maybe he needed it Mal. Needed to feel that he had some control. Most likely figured you wasn't going to make him do nothing like that but maybe now, in his life that kind of attention he equals with safety or something." He nods and thinks over her words. His breakfast is ready and he dishes some out in a bowl. Zoe gets up and tastes his handiwork and rolls her eyes. She elbows him aside and gets some too. 

"As for you not wanting him to stop, maybe you needed what he was offering also. Sometimes just having someone touch you in a caring manner can be a overpowering urge." She lowers her voice and mutters, "Don't know how long it's been or nothing and don't really want to know but don't feel bad about it if the boy was willing." 

He gives her a small smile and sits down. They eat and discuss their upcoming stop in Hamlin. He tells her they'll stay for two days. He had planned on staying longer but tells her they need to get to Persephone. Wash comes in with the question of what's on that ball of rock. Mal finishes his food and grits out the answer. 

"Badger's on that ball of rock. Seems like our sometimes employer has been lying to us this past year. Seems like he forgot to mention a trip he made to a certain town in the hills where he collected two members of our crew." 

Zoe and Wash stare at him in shock. Nobody likes Badger all that much but never would have imagined he was the one that took Simon and River. Wash starts to curse as Simon walks in the kitchen. He's wearing a pair of black pants and a gray sweater. He pauses at the stove and stares at the food. He looks at the Captain and Mal sees his struggle to just get a bowl and serve himself without asking for permission. 

He grabs a bowl then stops, he doesn't put any food in it, just stands by the stove with his back to them. He braces his hands on the edges of the counter and stays silent. Kaylee and Jayne come in and take in the scene. Kaylee starts to go over, but Mal stops her. He stands up and goes over to Simon. 

He grabs the bowl, puts some food in it and gives it to Simon. "It ain't that good, but I never claimed to be a cook." He ignores the wide damp eyes that look at him and nudges Simon over to the table. Kaylee and Jayne grab some of the food and sit down at the table. Kaylee tells the Captain the engine is doing okay but she really could use some new bolts and other stuff. 

"I hear Hamlin got a nice place that has some parts for sell or barter. So I can go there while we're on planet." 

Mal nods his head and tells the crew plans have changed. They'll still go to Hamlin but they will only stay for two days. In that time they can relax while he contacts some people about Badger before they go on to Persephone. Kaylee frowns and looks sad when Mal tells her and Jayne that Badger is the man that took Simon and River. She nods her head, looks at Simon and assures Mal that Serenity will be ready. Jayne narrows his eyes and looks at Simon's lowered head. 

"And what are we plannin to do once we get a hold of that little piece of go-se? We gone ask him polite what happened to the girl then go on our merry way?" Jayne's talking to Mal but looking at Simon. 

No one talks and Simon raises his head. He looks at Jayne then at Mal. He picks up his chopsticks and plays with them, running the tips over his fingers and hands. 

"Then I kill him. I make sure I know everything he knows about my sister, then I send him to hell." Mal believes Simon will do it and if he can't, he'll do it for him. Jayne looks at Simon as Book and Inara walk in. They sense the seriousness of the moment and don't speak. 

"Hell, you can't even eat without permission, how are you going to kill someone?" Jayne knows he is being harsh but he really wants to know if Simon can do it. He's always believed anyone can kill if given the right motivation, and Simon has a lot of motivation. Simon looks up at him and his eyes are full of all that he's been through. It almost bleeds out of his eyes and makes Jayne uncomfortable, but he won't break his stare. 

"It's really very easy to kill someone, Jayne, as I'm sure you know. I figure once I have the information I need I'll make it a very up close and personal death. I promised him and I like to keep my promises if possible." 

Jayne sees Simon's eyes move briefly to every part of Jayne's body that is visible. Simon opens his mouth, changes his mind and starts to eat. Mal looks at both of them for a moment then tells Book and Inara about their plans. The others talk about what they plan to do planetside. Mal glances at Simon and notices one of the chopsticks he's using has an unusually sharpened end. 

He flashes back on the conversation between Simon and Jayne and Simon's hands were not visible for a moment. Had he sharpened the chopstick that fast and without anyone noticing? Mal thinks he is imagining things due to his lack of sleep. That is, until Simon looks at him and smirks. 

Mal shakes his head and hopes Jayne doesn't ask Simon any more questions about his ability to kill. He thinks Simon was about to give Jayne a demonstration. Mal needs some information about what kind of deals Badger's been up to for the past year, check if any lead to the Alliance. Out of the corner of his eye he watches Simon look at Book. 

Book looks at Simon the second time Simon turns his gaze to him. He nods his head at Simon and wonders what he wants. He looks a lot better than he did last night when the Captain and Jayne had brought him into the infirmary. Jayne had looked bored; the Captain had looked worried, guilty and angry. Book had checked Simon over and decided not to ask any questions since the Captain did not look like he was in the mood for them. 

Simon seems to be struggling to ask him something. He makes it easier by finishing his meal and standing up. "I'm going to go to the infirmary. Simon, if you like I can show you notes I made of all the injuries that have happened in the past year and also show you how much we have in way of supplies. I never seem to know what stuff we need more of and what we don't." Simon nods his head and stands also. Book can tell he is hesitant about leaving without asking the Captain but he does it slowly and only looks back once. 

Their walk to the infirmary is made in silence, and while it's not comfortable, it's not as bad as Book imagined it would be. They make it to the infirmary and Book's suddenly nervous. He wants to talk to Simon about his ordeal but knows any lectures or words from his bible will not be welcome. He decides to get the other stuff out of the way first and maybe a way to help Simon will be shown to him. 

"I kept everything where you had it stored so you shouldn't have a problem finding the things you'll be needing." He pulls out a small organizer and hands it to Simon. "Most serious injury we had was Jayne about four months ago. Two gunshot wounds and a broken leg. I gave him some advice on some therapy he could do once his leg healed." At the questioning look from Simon, Book laughed. "Yes, he started his rehabilitation ahead of schedule but stuck with it and, thankfully, didn't do any damage to his leg." 

He leans toward Simon, who goes statue still. Only his eyes move as they flicker to the white collar around his neck. Book knows he's trying to decide how much of a threat Book is to him. He ignores Simon's body language and continues talking. "Between you and me he was so worried about the Captain only having Zoe for backup that he pushed himself even when the Captain told him not to overdo it." 

Book feels like he's received a huge award when Simon gives him a little smile and asks him a question. They talk for about an hour, Book telling Simon about some articles he saved for Simon about new surgical techniques that he knew Simon would want to study. Simon thanks him and begins to look at them. He seems relaxed and Book hopes he will remain that way. 

"Simon, I want you to know if you need or want anything, let me know. I feel badly that the Captain left you and your sister there to get me help." He continues even though Simon is not looking at him and the only sign of life he's giving is a small nervous movement in his left hand. 

"The Captain is a complex man but everyone knew he was not going to stop until he found you and your sister. It's not just guilt either. The Captain still has a soldier's mentality, and he considered you part of his crew, part of his unit if you will. When he found out you and your sister were gone he told all of us we were not stopping until we had you two back or found the people responsible for your deaths." 

Book waits, wondering if Simon will say anything. He doesn't but he does look up and into Book's eyes. Simon cocks his head and says, "And here I thought you were about to give me a lecture about God and triumph over evil and men being tested." He turns around and places the electronic book down. He turns back around, gives him a smile and Book thinks Simon looks like a mischievous young boy, and he doesn't know if this is really Simon or just what Simon wants him to see. 

Book smiles at him and steps back. "I won't say anything of the sort. If you ever want to talk about what you went through, I'll listen and offer you any solace I can but I'm not going to lecture at you and tell you a bunch of clichs. They may be true but I know you don't want to hear them right now, if ever." 

Simon looks at him and lowers his head as if bracing for a blow. "I have no faith, Book. I admit I had some when I saw my sister in that box. After all I went through to get her out of that school and then getting away from the Alliance, who wouldn't believe in a higher power?" He lifts his head back up and in his eyes there is an emptiness Book hasn't seen in a very long time. "But the last twelve months have shown me there is no God, heaven is a fantasy, and hell is all around us." 

Book wants to object and argue and tell this young man he's wrong but he can't. He hasn't lived his life, especially the last twelve brutal months. His heart heavy, he nods his head and is about to tell Simon about some more injuries when he hears footsteps approach the doorway of the infirmary. He turns and Kaylee is there, looking at them with over bright eyes and nervously chewing her lips. 

"Hey preacher, you mind if I talk to Simon for a moment?" Book looks at her and then waits for Simon to let him know it's okay. Simon seems puzzled, and then Book sees the understanding come over his features. He nods at Book, letting him know it's okay. Book smiles at him and does the same with Kaylee. 

"I'll just go and get some coffee. All you need to know is in that book, Simon. If you have any questions, just let me know." He leaves them alone and recalls what Inara told him earlier about the conversation she and Simon had. He hopes Kaylee is ready and that Simon will not be too abrupt with her. 

Kaylee enters the infirmary and smiles at Simon. He's still as handsome as the first time she saw him, maybe even more so, but there is a brittle quality to him that makes her want to comfort him and tell him everything will be okay now that he's back. He looks at her and doesn't speak, waiting for her to start. 

"I'm so glad you're back Simon. We looked so hard for you and I think we all had some sleepless nights trying to figure out where you were. Do-do you need anything? I mean if you need anything for your room or in here just let me know. I got a really nice rug I bought a while back that I'd bet you'd love. It's really soft too, feels good on your bare feet." 

He smiles at her and Kaylee is relieved. It took her a long time to get their last conversation out of her head so she could sleep at night. She wonders if the conversation had went different would Simon have walked back to the ship with her and Inara, River in tow, and not gotten snatched by those hillfolk? He walks closer to her and sits down on the medical bed. He clasps his hands together and speaks 

"No, I don't need anything right now. I may need some things in here but I haven't had a chance to check yet. As for my room, I'm not staying in it right now. I'm staying in the Captain's room and, I don't know when that will change." At the stricken look on her face he shakes his head and makes a tsking sound. 

"I'm sorry if that upsets you. You're a really nice young woman, Kaylee, but I can't see anything happening between us besides us maybe being friends." His voice lowers as if he's about to tell her a juicy secret. "And I'm not so sure about the friends part. Before River and I were kidnapped I had nothing to offer you but I was flattered by all the attention you gave me and was beginning to think we could be more than friends." 

She shakes her head, angry that he would assume that she just wants to pick up where they left off. He raises both eyebrows and now his smile is not nice looking at all. It looks mean and Kaylee starts to talk when he interrupts her. 

"Oh, so you were not thinking that maybe in a few weeks you could help me recover by offering me a nice romp in the bed? I could pour my heart out to you and you could fix it like you fix Serenity, by using whatever is necessary, to get it working and purring for you." 

She stomps up to him and pokes her finger into his chest. She's madder than she's been in a long time. How dare he talk to her like she would even think about herself right now? 

"Stop it Simon! I had no such thoughts in my head. I just wanted to make you comfortable and be your friend. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through but I know it wasn't something you just bounce back from. I am so sorry I don't know what to say to you or what to do, but you have no right to accuse me of crap like you just said." 

She nods her head and pokes his chest again. Quick as she can blink he has both her arms gripped in his hands and he's not on the medical bed anymore. She blinks up at him and he's not smiling. His face is blank and she's against the wall by the open infirmary door. Neither one of them speaks, and Kaylee's arms hurt, but she's not about to complain. She glares at him, and he suddenly lets go of her and moves away. He glances back at her over his shoulder then spins around and faces her from where he lounges against a counter across the room. 

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, "I apologize, Kaylee. You're right, and I shouldn't assume anything about your motives or accuse you of being selfish. It's been a long time since anyone has tried to be nice to me without expecting my body in return. It's going to take me time to adjust but that doesn't mean you deserved to be manhandled." 

He crosses his arms and rubs them. He looks nervous and Kaylee wonders why until he clears his throat and looks at her. No, she realizes he's not looking at her. He's looking at a spot on the wall right beside her head. "I'm sure there's some cream around here to put on your arms if they bruise. You need to tell the Captain I hurt you." 

Kaylee wants to cry but knows that won't help and she'll go to her room later and bawl if it will make her feel better. Right now she walks slowly across the room and stands in front of Simon. She doesn't touch him, knowing from the skittish look on his face it wouldn't help him get that look off his face, like he knows for certain that a beating is in his future. 

She wants to brush the hair away from his forehead and feed him his favorite food until he gives her a smile, a real one; like the one he gave her the night they got drunk and he said she was pretty. 

He'd looked so young and carefree for those few hours, no thoughts of being a fugitive or how he would make his sister well again. Just him and her in a bar, talking and drinking and laughing. 

"Captain doesn't need to know Simon. You just got a little mad, but I ain't hurt." She lightly brushes the hair from his forehead and sighs at the little flinch he can't hide. "Let me know if you need anything. I'm making meatloaf tonight and it'll even contain some meat." He gives her a small smile and she can almost see the Simon she'd had a big crush on looking out at her. She leaves, not noticing the Captain standing in a darkened alcove. 

Mal looks at the doorway of the infirmary. He'd heard some of Simon and Kaylee's conversation. When Book had come into the kitchen, Mal had asked him how it went. Book had said that he and Simon did okay and that the boy had even asked some medical questions. Mal relaxed until Book said he left Kaylee and Simon alone to talk. He'd headed for the infirmary after thinking about Simon trying anything with Kaylee. 

Now that he was unpredictable he just wanted to make sure both of them came away unharmed from their first talk. He'd been worried about Kaylee more than Simon and hoping that Simon wouldn't give Kaylee any detailed descriptions about what happened to him. 

So he'd watched and caught a few words but he could tell a lot from they way they were acting. He'd moved forward when Simon had grabbed Kaylee but waited and then stepped back when Simon had let her go. Entering the gleaming and sterile place always makes Mal want to scratch one of his scars. He leans against a counter and looks over the obviously tired young man in front of him. "What are your plans for the rest of the day doc?" Simon smirks at him and turns away, looking in drawers and cabinets. 

"I thought I'd give everyone else a chance to come and talk to me, tell me how sorry they are for my plight and tell me how they're all so willing to listen." He slams a drawer shut. "Maybe I don't want to talk about it. Anybody think about that?" 

Mal lightly scratches his chest. "That's just their way. They just want you to know they're there, you know? We all just gotta make adjustments and such." He shrugs and wonders how he can really prevent Simon from killing himself, with him being a doctor and all. He said he wouldn't, at least not right away, so Mal is going to try and not worry about it. Simon looks at him from the corner of his eyes and mutters. 

"Well, I don't want to talk about it. I told Book, I kind of told Kaylee and I told Inara." He pauses and laughs. "Jayne didn't say anything about being there for me, just told me his stance on not liking me hadn't changed. Maybe I should go and hang around him." 

His voice turns sad and worrisome and Mal frowns at the lightening quick mood swings. "I know you saw me grab Kaylee. What are you going to do about it?" Mal straightens up and steps closer to Simon and his bowed head. Shit, Simon sounds like he did last night and Mal wants to reassure him quickly before he ends up with Simon's hands on him again. 

"I'm not going to do anything Simon. No need to since you and her handled it on your own." Simon looks up at him and searches his eyes. "Okay, but it feels strange expecting a punishment and you saying there won't be one." Mal's shoulders relax and he asks Simon, "What did you say to Inara?" And just like that Simon seems to shift moods again, now he's angry and his mouth is set in a sneer. 

"I told her I didn't need to have a whore-to-whore chat with her. I saw the way she looked at me. She's maybe the closest one out of all of you that has an idea of what I went through and she's all with the pity and sadness." He moves around the infirmary like it's too small, pacing, caught up in more memories. 

"I had the great fortune to be in the company of a few companions and they were too busy being full of themselves and looking down their noses at me for me to even consider asking them for help. One of them even knew my history and basically said it was my fault. Even while I was fucking her, I could tell she was disgusted, like I was some kind of animal." 

He shrugs and stops pacing. "Not saying I wasn't, since I performed how and where I was told to." His smile is sharp and cutting. "Kept down on the blood flow from the guy who owned me at the time. He loved to make me bleed. Said my blood looked different than any he'd ever seen." He takes a breath, inhaling deeply. 

"One time he took my blood in the conventional way, you know, with a needle and it going into a pouch. Later on that night he had me lie down and he poured my own blood over me and then proceeded to slice me open a couple of times. Said I looked beautiful and he made himself a nice little vid of him fucking me while I was covered in my own blood." 

Mal's not ready for Simon's eyes when they meet his. His heart is hammering fast in his chest and he desperately wants Simon to stop but he can't get the words out and even if he could, he wouldn't do it. Simon had went on and on about people telling him they were willing to help and be there for him but Mal is the only person he has talked to so far. 

It's like Simon doesn't want to talk about what he went through, but at the same time he wants someone to know, to give someone a small piece of his suffering because he's brimming with it and it's unlikely he's told any of the people who owned him these things. Why give them new ideas on how to hurt him if he could help it? 

Simon still has his eyes on him but Mal knows he's back in that place. "So, anyway a few days later, Killian, the man who liked the way my blood looked on the outside of my body, has a nice little party for his perverted friends. He shows them the vid while I have to sit there and listen to them. One of them has a companion with them and begs Killian to have me fuck her. He allows it and I do and the whole time she's utterly disgusted and not hiding it very well." Simon gives a little laugh. 

"Made it difficult to keep it up but then the threat of having another night covered in my own blood and his come was a great incentive." 

What do you say to something like that? Mal says the only thing he can think of at the moment. "Anytime you want to go visit this ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng and show him how his blood looks, you let me know. We'll arrange a nice little shindig and end the ta mah duh." Mal shakes his head and whispers, "It's the only thing I got to offer, Simon, and I know it won't stop the nightmares or the feelings you have of being degraded like that, but it wasn't your fault and you're a doctor so you know blood is blood. He may have seen it as special but didn't mean he had the right to go doing stuff like that to you." 

Mal realizes he has one more thing to offer and he steps closer to Simon and puts his arms around him, holds him tight and close. He feels Simon's hands squeezing him back and Mal is grateful that he can give Simon this. Simon is quiet at first then he starts to shake and gasp, like he can't breathe. Mal rubs his back and tries to pull him even closer. "It's okay, Simon. Just let it out, cry all you want to." 

With those words a scream tears from Simon's body, and Mal thinks it must come from his soul, a soul that's been battered and broken for so long. He screams again, then starts to cry. Loud, broken sobs, and Mal can hear footsteps rapidly approach the infirmary. He turns so he can see the door and when Zoe, Wash and Jayne appear he waves them away, unaware that his own eyes are wet. 

Zoe and Wash immediately back away, and Jayne only points to the light switch. Mal nods his head and the light flickers off, leaving them in semi-darkness. Simon continues to cry, and Mal continues to hold him, ignoring his wet shirt, whispering nonsense and reassurance to Simon. 

Mal doesn't know how long they stand there. Simon is quiet now and he can only hear an occasional hiccup. Mal questions him softly. "You want some water? Maybe lie down for a bit?" Simon nods his head, and Mal leads him over to a chair. He gets the water then offers a Simon a choice. "You want to lay down in your bed or mine?" 

Simon lets out a sharp breath and croaks out. "Yours. I-I feel safe there." Mal doesn't see how since the room will probably remind Simon of what happened between them last night, but he'll save that conversation for another time. He leads the weary man to his bunk, seeing no one on the way. In the room, Simon lets him go and slips into the bed. Mal places the glass of water on the nightstand. 

"You rest and then go eat when you wake up, okay?" Simon nods his head, and Mal leaves. He's up the ladder and he almost misses Simon's quietly mumbled thank you. He climbs back down the ladder to find Simon lying on his side a pillow clutched to his stomach. "For what?" 

Simon sits up a little, balancing on his elbow. "For never giving up your search, for taking me away from that life. For making me face up to trying to find my sister. For telling me to cry." He lowers his head, then stiffens and looks back up. 

"I know I made you uncomfortable last night but I want you to know I wanted to do what I did, and for no other reason than because I wanted it. I wasn't trying to get my way or thank you with my body. It's been a long time since it was even my choice. So don't think you are anything like the four men that have owned me, cause you're the farthest thing from those pieces of go-se." Mal doesn't know if he believes him or not but nods anyway and leaves. 

He goes to the common area and uses the sink and toilet located behind a thin door. He washes his face and looks at his reflection in the mirror. Mal remembers all the blood at Serenity Valley, the smell, the feel of it and how there was no escaping it, wet and sticky and so much of it. The human body holds so much blood that can be spilled. Suddenly Mal can see the scene Simon described earlier. 

Covered in blood taken from you earlier, plus more blood leaking out of the cuts decorating your body, seeing the vid camera being set up to record another rape on your body. He throws up in the toilet and feels a little better. He's glad he didn't use his own sink, no need for Simon to have witnessed this. 

He walks onto the bridge to see everyone gathered there. They stop when they see him and he leans against the doorway. "Well, go ahead with your talking. What's it about now? I hope this isn't another food rebellion because the last one tempted me to shoot up the kitchen." He knows it's not about food, they want to know about Simon. Zoe crosses her arms and asks. 

"How is he? When we heard that scream we figured you two's fight had gotten out of control." Mal sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "He's doing better since he allowed himself a little release. That kind of pain ain't easy to carry around, especially when you have to be careful about revealing it. It wiped him out for awhile so he's resting." He doesn't add that Simon is in his bunk, since he doesn't feel it's anyone's business. "So what are ya'll discussing?" 

Zoe looks around and specifically at Jayne. The big man shifts and coughs. "We was discussin the fact that we think we should go ahead and go to Persephone. We can be there in three days, bout the same time, as it would take us to get to Hamlin. You can get your info you need on Badger like you wanted to but we don't need no break. Let's go find Badger, make him dead and start tracking the girl." 

Mal looks at the determined stance of his crew and feels proud. The past year had pulled them closer together as they all contributed to keeping the search going for the Tams. They pulled jobs quickly and with hardly any fuss, so they could go back to looking for clues and tracked down gossip that they all collected from anyone they could talk or threaten it out of. 

"All of you all right with the plans changing like that?" He receives various nods. "Okay, Wash, head for Persephone, the rest of you give me all the details about Badger and his little kingdom that you know, or you've heard about or any conclusions you have about him." 

The meeting about Badger takes two hours and ends in the kitchen. Everyone gave Mal their opinions and any gossip they knew about Badger and took off to do their chores. Only Kaylee remains in the kitchen with Mal. He is busy trying to figure out who else he could gather information from, without it getting back to Badger when Kaylee starts to talk. 

"Do you think Simon's going to be okay? I mean will he ever be like he used to be?" Mal considers lying to her, but she deserves to know the truth. 

"I don't think so, little Kaylee. What he's been through has pretty much changed him down deep and he might get back to a point where he acts like his old self, but I don't think it's possible for him to ever be like he was." She's nodding her head before he finishes talking. 

"I thought so. People change over time but he's changed so much. He's so angry and... and bitter. He hid behind his manners when he and River first came on board, and now he's hiding again, but I can't tell what sort of mask he's wearing." 

Mal nods his head. "He has more than one because that's what kept him alive this past year. I think given time, he'll realize he doesn't have to hide and can start to rebuild some of his personality, but it's gonna take him time to do that and that's what we'll give him." Kaylee smiles and stands up. She kisses him on his cheek. 

"See, I knew you were the best Captain in the verse." Mal gives her a small smile and a shrug. She gives him another smile, but this one is kind of nervous and she's blushing. "I was wondering why Simon was staying in your room? He always struck me as the type to want his own space." 

Mal runs his hand over his mouth and hopes he's not giving away more than he wants to. "Simon needs a little extra looking after. Sometimes being alone when you're recovering from trauma is not a good thing. All kinds of thoughts and ideas come to a person in the middle of the night; most of them telling you it's your fault and other negative stuff. It might help him to have someone to talk to." 

He tucks his hands into the back pockets of his pants. "He says he feels safe there and he really needs that right now, plus reassurance that I'm not going to punish him because of something he does." 

Kaylee's smile is sad but understanding, and Mal hopes she doesn't ask him any more questions. She leaves with a sigh about her engine, and Mal takes the time to think, really think about what he just told her. It's all true and it's been plenty of times where he and Zoe had helped each other through the dark hours, waiting on the sun to rise and another painful night to pass. Sure they had some of the same thoughts during the day, but they were easier to push down when their bodies were busy. But at night all the self doubts and whispers and memories seemed to travel slow and in full color through your mind. 

Simon walks in a few minutes later and fixes himself a bowl of soup. He doesn't hesitate, and Mal is relieved. 

"Would you like some soup since I'm making some?" Mal agrees, and soon they're both eating soup and sipping tea. The others trickle in, fixing their own plates, chatting about little stuff and telling jokes. 

Simon laughs at a story Jayne tells about Book lifting weights right when the gravity had given out. A lull in the conversation appears, and Mal tells Simon about their plans so far. He doesn't say anything at first, and then he quietly thanks everyone before excusing himself. "I'm going to go back to the infirmary for a little while and look over some stuff." 

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Mal undresses in his bunk after checking on Simon and doing his nightly walk around the ship. He lies down, gets comfortable and tries to stop thinking about what happened the night before. His door opens with barely a sound, and Simon comes in. He looks at Mal and then undresses and puts on a pair of soft gray pants. He lies down in the bed, and Mal is wary but hopes it doesn't show in his voice. 

"Maybe I should sleep on the floor." Simon turns to him and puts a hand on his chest, stopping Mal from getting up. 

"Weren't you listening earlier? I'm not going to seduce you because I think that's what you're expecting and I won't try and screw you to thank you." Mal shifts and sits up in the bed. 

"You say that Simon, but I'm not sure I believe you. I feel bad about last night even if I didn't start it and how can you be sure that little make out session wasn't your way of trying to pay me or persuade me to let you kill yourself?" 

Simon sits up too, and Mal likes the way the shadows play with the planes and dips on his chest. "Well it couldn't have been for both things." Now he seems nervous and rubs the back of his neck. "I liked you like that before River and I were kidnapped, I just never did anything about it. I wanted time to make sure it wasn't gratitude that was causing the feelings I would get whenever I saw you and time to make you see me as a man. A man that was interested in you despite your psychotic tendencies, your alpha attitude and your belief that all you have to offer in this 'verse is a boat and illegal means to keep it flying." 

Leaning closer, Simon runs his hand gently through Mal's hair; down past his ear and stops on a pulse on his throat. "I wanted Malcolm Reynolds, not the Captain and not the man who rescues people and makes it look so easy." Simon pulls him closer and kisses him softly and then pulls back. Mal looks at him, and it seems Simon is telling the truth. Some of his guilt disappears, but he still has questions and objections. 

"Okay, saying that all that is true, I still don't think it's a good idea for us to become involved. You've been through a lot of stuff, Simon, and jumping into a relationship, especially a sexual relationship, right away is only going to confuse and hinder your progress." 

Simon's eyes narrow and he pulls away from Mal. He gets out of bed and goes to the ladder and places his hands on it. Mal can't see his face but thinks he just said the wrong thing. "Do you think I'm dirty? I-I mean do you think I'm not good enough for you since I've been fucked by plenty of men and women in the past year? Are you just giving me excuses because you don't want to tell me that the thought of touching me disgusts you?" 

He whips around, and Mal sees he's angry and more than a little miserable. Mal thinks carefully before he answers. He doesn't think Simon isn't good enough for him, the thought never even entered his mind and it's no way he could ever think of Simon as dirty. 

Part of what most likely made the people around him want to degrade and humiliate Simon is because he has a certain inherent quality that makes him seem incapable of being defiled. Some twisted and evil people always want to pull others down to their level, to try and turn them into reflections of themselves, and Mal would about bet Serenity that plenty of them tried but that quality was still there. He gets out of the bed and sits on the edge, ready to catch Simon if he tries to leave. 

"That's not it at all Simon. I was plenty turned on last night and that's what sorta worries me. You say you were attracted to me before you were kidnapped, and I admit I noticed you were a handsome man but that was where it stopped. I didn't want to get involved with anyone, especially someone on my crew because too many problems can come from it and I got enough worries on my mind." 

He pauses, not wanting to continue. He doesn't like explaining himself to anyone, but Simon needs to know so he won't think he's tainted and someone that nobody could seriously care for besides just wanting him for sex. 

"I am attracted to you but it bothers me that that could become a weakness really fast. And what if we do get seriously involved and you come to the conclusion that I'm not what you want after all? You said it earlier, I'm psychotic, I'm dominant and all that I am is wrapped up in this boat and my stubborn will to keep her flying. Those are not qualities that help any relationship. Plus you forgot to add that I'm mean, grumpy and always right." Simon steps closer to him and studies him. 

"I figured I'd mentioned enough of your habits, I didn't want to make you feel bad." Mal rolls his eyes and Simon laughs. 

"As for me coming to some sort of conclusion that I wouldn't want you later, I can say the same, Mal. What if later I think you just feel sorry for me? Later is exactly that, it's in the future and you know as well as I do that there are no certainties in life, but since I know about most of your quirks it's not like I'll be surprised and I seriously doubt I'll change my mind." 

Mal looks at him and gestures to the bed. They both get in, and Mal turns to Simon. "I'll think about all that was said tonight but I still think we need to take it slow." Simon puts his arm around Mal's waist and whispers. "I already missed a year of getting to know you so I'll think about taking it slow but be warned, I will try and get you to change your mind." Mal snorts and lets himself enjoy the feeling of Simon lying next to him. He dozes off and his last thought is that Simon feels good with his arm around him, his leg over Mal's, and his head burrowed against his side. 

End Part Three 

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